Isnin, 29 Oktober 2012

Selami Laut Memori

Kisah bermula mengenai sekumpulan rakan-rakan yang sangat akrab dan selesa bersama. Pada tahun itu, banyak perkara yang dilakukan dan dialami bersama. Ada yang sedih, duka, gembira, mencabar, menduga iman, dan menyayat hati. Sekumpulan rakan-rakan itu seakan-akan keluarga yang tiada pertalian darah. Akan tetapi, zetiap keamanan dan kebahagiaan tidak akan kekal selamanya. Setiap yang tenang pasti akan tiba kocakannya. Kisah kali ini, berkait dengan sekumpulan kawan-kawan dalam hidup aku yang mana aku tidak tinggalkan atau berpisah tepat pada masanya. Dan ya, mungkin masalah ini sebenarnya tiba dek kerana kesilapan persepsi atau pengalaman daripada diriku sendiri.
Bagi aku, tika saat perpisahan itu tiba mungkin tidak harus dipaksa akan pengekalan kebersamaan sesuatu hubungan itu sebenarnya, tetapi boleh dijaga atau diterapkan kebersambungan hubungan itu. Ya, tidak perlu untuk terus bersama. Sekumpulan rakan-rakan yang mempunyai bahagian paling lama dalam hidupku, yang mana permulaannya asing pertengahannya suai kenal, klimaksnya keakraban dan pengakhirannya sebuah graf menjunam yang membawa kepada pergaduhan->musuh->dan asing. Tidak tahu sehingga mana tapi pabila ketemu, masing-masing dapat kurasakan kepaksaaan dalam minda cuba menahan memori-memori lama itu daripada terbit dan langkah terbaik adalah dengan mengelak.
Pengalaman ini bagiku suatu pengalaman penting yang mana membuat aku mendalami dasar persahabatan yang tidak pernah aku cuba ceburi selama ini. Ia mengajar pelbagai perkara penting yang ku perlukan tetapi bahaya jika terus berpaut dengan memori tersebut dan tidak mencuba perkara-perkara baru dengan rangkaian masyarakat di masa sekarang. Namun, impaknya adalah aku memilih untuk berdiam daripada menjadi diriku yang sebenar pabila berada dalam kondisi yang baru. Kadang-kadang disalah erti sebagai penakut, pemalu, anti sosial dan macam-macam lagi. Aku menjadi terlalu memilih. Ku takut mengambil risiko dan ku risau kelemahan dan kekhilafan diri boleh diperguna keatas diri sendiri dalam situasi yang tidak membawa keuntungan pada diriku. Entah mengapa, ku menjadi seseorang yang lebih selamat di ruang sendiri dan tidak gemar untuk melakukan aktiviti luar.
Ini mungkin depresi kemurungan yang memerlukan nasihat kaunseling berperingkat tetapi aku percaya, anda aku dapat selami dan fahami punca dasar ketakutan di belakang minda ini dapat lah aku tangani dan memperbaiki keadaan. akan tetapi, minda separa sedar seakan-akan cuba menolak dalam-dalam memori itu dan kesakitan yang diakibatkan mempunyai parut yang kadang kelihatan segar dan kadang ditolak ketepi oleh mata hati untuk ku perhati. Apa mungkin kejadian lama itu menjadi seperti dulu? Bentak hatiku, TIDAK. masing sudah bawa haluan sendiri dan masing sudah kecewa untuk bersua kembali. Jangan pilih jalan hitam jan usah dibiar ia dikenangi. Bagi beberapa, lebih selesa berhubung dengan beberapa tetapi bagi semua,ianya mustahil untuk berkumpul lagi. Biar sepenting mana, akan tetap dicari alasan itu untuk mengelak dan tidak akan cukup 24jam dan 365hari setahun untuk secebis masa walau sudah muncul sumber tenaga dan idea daripada pihak luar. Entah kenapa, ianya memang akan terus menjadid mustahil. Sekali lagi ku utarakan, mungkin ini berkait dengan persepsiku. Mungkin juga keinginanku tetapi dalam hal ini, ku tetap rasakan puncanya hanya seorang. Dia yang mengejar nafsu ketika situasi yang tidak praktikal itu adalah sebab pertama selamanya. Tanpanya, segalanya tetap akan kekal mustahil.

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